He died on Tuesday afternoon, caused by pneumonia complication.

He is not a Muslim, but then I respect him for his books, and his words, and his knowledge, and how he opens my view about the world around me just by plotting a very interesting storyline.

He is Sidney Sheldon.

Click here for the news.

His novel entitled "Bloodline" is the first thick English book that I read -- and since then I tried to improve my English step, by, step -- and the excitement of reviewing each and every pages of his book is -- a genuine pleasure ~  He uses simple English, and a very interesting storyline.  Every story he tells plays in front of my eyes like a movie, with realistic characters.  His story is alive!

I still remember, the first time given that book by Angah, I made faces -- I sucks at english, and totally not good with reading a dictionary height kind of book.  But, since then, I can't stop myself from looking for any new edition of his magical words on every visit to the book store.  I love books since young, but I love his books since then.  And I've read the whole collection -- but then, at 14 years old with very limited allowances, I only managed to borrow his work from the The Novel House -- and not owning a complete collection.  But the story remains in my mind -- 

Ana hated his books. 

But I love it ~ 

And no matter what, I will always adore his work.

May God have pity on him.

I can't understand my parents. 

Back then when I was studying in KL, and they live in JB, they didn't inform a single news to me if they're going down to KL for some business trip.  It come to the extent of warning my sister not to tell me about them being in KL for worrying that I might come back home in KL for the weekends and neglect my studies.  I mean -- hallooo -- by isolating me from their life -- THAT disturbs me mentally and emotionally.  Education might give me a good job with loads of money, but their love companionship is what I crave most, to feel normal like I used to feel. 

So, when finally I got a job in Johor, funnily they went back to live in KL/Subang with some lame excuses to go back and take care of their cucu's.   Duh~  The cucu's got their own parents to take care of them.. ~ okiela, my sis and bro's couldn't manage new babies on their own.  I got to understand that.

They used to come down to JB, and NOT informing me a single thing about their arrival and out of the blue, they'll turn up in front of the house *poof* like some genie transported them from Subang to JB in split seconds.  They did that once when I decided that I wanna move and coming down to JB that abruptly hoping that they can try (again) to change my mind and follow whatever plans they have laid out for me. 

When they did that, I feel --- so -- "untrustable" -- Imagine somebody did that to you.  Macam buat some kind of spot check to "check" that you are not spanking some blokes arses in their absence. 

Last weekend, they went back to JB coz emak got some bengkel to attend -- thanks sis for the news flash.  And I come down to Subang -- dengan sengaja -- actually for the sake to muah muah with the anak sedara and to avoid from seeing abah and feeling weird the entire day with his presence.  Funnily, I was actually waiting for emak's phone calls saying that they're coming for a visit or whatever, and aku akan berpura-pura terkejut dan berkata "laaa...org dah ada dekat rumah subang dah ni, kenapa mak tak cakap nak pegi johor.. Org taktau puuunn"  -- and -- I was left with wasted hopes.

It's not surprising at all -- I expected it -- remember the previous entry?  But I can't help feeling -- what's the word -- disappointed... Ermm -- Maybe depressed?  I used "depressed" last time.  Whatever it is, it feels like the two person that u trusted the most ignores u -- and I feel lonely.

I would scream hysterically if my parents read my dirty lil' diary, but how I wish they could read this particular entry.  I still love them, no matter what.

Anyway, going back to KL is really worth it (though quite frustrated for abah is still not over the issue).  Get to see Lil' Apan although for only one day.  He's not cute, but once he smile, he looks damn sweet, and that is enough to brighten my gloomy days.  It's weird when I feel so attached to this particular anak sedara.  He's my fifth anak sedara, and I don't have the same affection with the others.  Maybe because aku paling rapat dengan akak aku yg sorang ni kot~  Anyway, Baby Apan / Danish Zharfan is abah's new sweetheart.  Ainul (his one and only grandaughter) used to be his star -- but I guess not anymore.  And stupidly, I felt this pang of jealousy knowing that abah switched his favourite cucu to Baby Apan.  Yeah, it feels like he's stealing precious values that I care about~

Spent the Saturday at Idzerq's new place.  It rawks!!  Dude, that place is worth your patience for 7 damn years.  And it's nice to meet up with u again after all this years -- just go slow kay with the "sial -- sialan" words.  U sound different with that particular word clinging to your tounge.  I know, the stupid traffic in KL makes us go nuts, but then -- just keep cool kay!  Nice to meet again with your cool parents.  When they really trust u, and have this confidence of allowing your fiance stays together in that house, and for being super-nice to me, it is undeniable that ur parents is the ultimate ibu bapa contoh.. Harhar.  And nice to finally met up with Matyie.  Your Ayie is wonderful, and hope both of u will have a wonderful future with lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of babies and cucus and cicits.. muahahaha!!   

So, going back to Pasir Gudang with "aku dalam blues" mood~  Not blues lucah kind of thing, but blues "layaaannn" kind of thing.  Was thinking a mixture of stuff-- things to be done in the future, things did in the past.  One thing that got me thinking was when talking to Idzerq about our ol' schoolmate and how we can't really enjoy being in their conversation.  Their endless topic about boys, and being pretty, and branded stuff, and why the other girl is a jerk and a bimbo just because the guy they admired was seen talking with her, and endless list of people admires them for their looks.  Ok, undeniably they are pretty, and sweet, and gorgeous.  Maybe at the same time quite intelligent -- but then -- urgh, so not my kind of thing to talk about.  But, it's fascinating when I manage to listen to their boys talk and bergayut with them until my ears all sweaty.  It bores me, but I don't really have the guts to say -- yawn yawn -- stop talking bout boys with me, cause I'm this geek with thick spectacles and u pretty bimbo only make me feel uglier each and every day.  Funny gak when they go to me though I would not give out any good opinions and they'll blurt out all their boys problems. Maybe I'm just a good listener I guess.  Anybody wanna try me?

Cakap pasal friends ni, my uni batch 2002/03 will be having a sports gathering kind of thing next weekend.  They're planning some futsal game..  Hmm, interesting, but why why why I can't feel the urgency to go..  Rasa different pulak kalo gi -- pblergh, like I ever did go to any of their activities!  Tak pernah pun~  Noted: I'm one of their ahli tidur paling aktif.  It's just some simple gath, but with me being super-quiet and most of them soo hyperactively-out-spoken, it kinda bores me to hang out with people that talks stuff that only a certain group knows.  I know, i know i'm the weirdo that find it quite hard to mix around with just anybody lah..  Get over it~

So, another crap is about going back to my home sweet home and dearie housemate punya suami was staying for his weekend specialties.  I'm sooo not ready to go back and having to face this kind of scenario in my own house!  I know it's not wrong, cause after all, they're husband and wife -- but I'm the one signing the contract, I'm the primary tenant, I pay more, I pay the deposit, and I really like this damn place, and this -tut- couples was treating my sacred territory like some cheap rumah tumpangan!!  It is NOT.  It's ok if a friend was asking a favour to use iron at that house, it's ok if Azmul hang-out for some simple makan-makan for the sake of jimat cost, it's ok if some friends is visiting over, it's ok if Azmul tumpang toilet if his house kena catuan air, but it is soo NOT OK to let your husband in and out like it's your own house.  And it so unbelievable to find his shoes hiding behind the damaged shoe rack.  Damn~

"Dah masuk tahun baru nih..  Saya nak cuba isi buku tahun baru saya dengan perkara-perkara yang baik-baik sahaja..Sekian terima kasih."

Ayat tu la aku ulang setiap kali Azmul play his antiques to seduce me.  Sheysh -- brat! 

Macam biasa, tengah takde keje..

Macam biasa, semalam housemate bawak masuk laki dia -- weekend specialties..

Macam biasa, Azmul marah aku sebab biarkan je..

Macam biasa, aku rasa aku tak patut dimarahi sebab Azmul sendiri takde hak nak kata aku salah sebab dia pon suka-suki anak kening dia je masuk umah aku.

Macam biasa, Azmul gak tak layak marah aku sebab kami takde ikatan yang sahih lagi benar -- at least housemate aku tu bwk masuk husband dia, bukan lelaki simpanan dia - dowh.

Macam biasa, aku rasa nak luku-luku kepala Azmul tak reti-reti nak matangkan pemikiran dia.  Sempit sungguh minda!

Macam biasa, Azmul kata aku ni kuat membebel.

Macam biasa, aku rasa depressed -- cause I'm starting to act like my abah..  Damn~

Tadi Kak Lang called, asking whether I'm going back to Subang or not.  I'm just not sure, with the issue between me and abah still left un-resolved, it's quite hard to go back to the house where you don't really feel welcomed.  Might as well aku duduk Pasir Gudang, membebel dekat org yang endlessly annoys me.

Then, Kak Lang also told me that abah and emak is coming down to Johor this weekend..

Owwkaayy...

I don't really feel surprised if they come and go without acknowledging me.  They've done that several times already.  And to come and go without any notice this time will surely prove that abah is still not letting go of the whole "me-making-decision-" thing. 

Last week emak called.  So sweet of her to still remember me - and I do miss her terribly.  Weird, when I don't have the same feeling towards abah -- instead, it's  starting to feel like I wanna erase abah from my memories.

Hush.. hush.. stupid thoughts!!! 

Roda tu berpusing, aku rasa macam aku ada dekat bawah roda tu, kena lenyek, adoi -- sakitnya..

Aku rasa macam nak peluk mak kuat-kuat, macam masa kecik-kecik dulu, pastu jerit I LOVE U so much, something yang aku tak pernah dapat buat..

Aku rasa macam nak sepak itu housemate dan laki nye keluar dari rumah aku.

Aku rasa sebelum aku sepak dia, aku rasa nak lelongkan kereta buruk dia sebagai ganti duit sewa yang berminggu-minggu tertunggak.

Aku rasa macam nak gam mata si Azmul dengan gam gajah and ikat mulut dia dengan tali rafia lepas tu ikat dia bawah pokok durian, sambil membaling berbiji-biji durian dekat dia -- biar dia rasa betapa sakitnya hati aku bila nak jaga hati dia.

Aku rasa macam nak bom bangunan organisation yg tampung studi aku sebab tuduh aku dengan kenyataan yang bukan-bukan.

Aku rasa macam nak bom penjara dalam cerita prison break tu supaya Micheal Scofield dpt selamatkan abang dia.

Aku rasa macam aku berada dalam tahap depresi yang melampau - financially and emotionally.

Aku rasa macam nak tido sampai hilang ingatan.

Aku rasa aku akan buat satu entri "Azmul - the brat that I can't let go".

I better stop here.

Kelmarin aku dah confront housemate ku yang pelik itu.. Yennadey thambi -- bile mau bayar itu sewa daa!!

Ahaha, it would great if I have the guts to say that.  Well, in a way I demanded the money, my right as the 1st tenant, and some hint-hint supaya dia cari rumah sendiri.  And sekali dia tunjuk muka kesian daaa - mintak extend lagi seminggu.  Again with the same "buku-akaun-tak-aktif" reason.  I told her to clarify if it is really about the "buku-akaun-tak-aktif" cause I've never heard of such crap in my entire life~

And the husband thing, dia request only once a week the huband stays in her room je lah.  Aku pelik, nama pun dah kawin, might as well duduk je serumah dgn huband dia -- lagi murah..  Then dia kata "dulu dah pernah duduk sekali...asyik gaduh je..pasal duit" -- pblergh -- what's the point of getting married if u continue spending money out of your capabilities!!

Husband keje ape?  Dia jawab "Sekuriti...dia nak sgt keje senang, itu la yg paling senang.."  Ark...????  Org mcm ni pon ada..  Mana ada kerja yang senang dlm dunia ni.  Nak keje senang, tp duduk mewah2, kete dasat2, TV besar gabak, siap ada cd player sendiri lagi..  Adoi.  Kalau aku ade dalam kasut dia (if I were in her shoes) ahaha, aku akan cari tempat tinggal yg aku boleh afford, yang dapat compensate expenses utk anak2 yang dah lahir, and yg akan lahir.  We are just different lah~ 

Sekali aku baru dapat tau dia dh pregnant 5 bulan daaa...  Adoiiii, kenapa aku tak perasan selama ni!!  All this while with her baggy clothes and shorts -- buta kah diri ku?  Aku tau aku rabun, tapi buta tidak sekali..

Yeah, maybe I'm blind -- I misjudge her~

But with her condition, she'll move out one day.  I just want to expedite her moving out process.  Dia kata husband dia tgh kumpul modal nak sewa rumah.  Oh, did I tell u people that she's not working anymore?  Jobless?  Sebab husband tak kasi...?  Sebab dia sakit semput..??  AIk??  Buat anak tak semput pulak??

I'm feeling so evil right now.  Patut ke aku lancarkan perang psikologi...??  Aku sepah2 kan rumah, bawak satu opis bertapa dalam rumah, buat party dari subuh smpi ke subuh esoknye, berak rata-rata, biar kan sampah berulat krekot-krekot, buang air tak yah flush, pecahkan pintu bilik dia, lompat atas katil dia, pecahkan tv besar dia, terbalikkan kereta dia, berlakon jadi orang sawan..?

Silap-silap, aku sendiri yang pindah keluar.. Syesh@!!

Traitor ke?

Semalam dapat berita yang buat otak aku jadi sewel sekejap -- about the sponsorship that I received mase ngaji dekat uni dulu.  Nama pon sponsor -- memangla ada dalam agreement tu aku kena serve that organisation for twice the time they sponsored my studies, that would be jadi hamba for 8 years.  But, if they could not provide a job within 6 month after we sent the "surat tamat pengajian", then we are free to go -- without paying back the money they gave.

Ok, I didn't work in that organisation.  It's been almost 6 months since I ask abah to deliver all the documents to the main branch in KL.  I thought, I am free to go.

But then, yesterday lepas chat dgn one of the ex-scholar yang sama batch dgn aku, she told me she heard the news that I run away from that company a.k.a I'm a traitor that betray the company / the shelter / the savior that gave money and endless support for us to survive in the cruel world that only sings money money money money for the sake of our education~  Adalah lebih kurang dia cakap macam ni --

"Bebudak scholar sume dpt interview.  So far bebudak utm yg dah grad sume dah dapat keje situ.  Diorang cerita nama ko ada dalam list interview, tapi ko tak datang.  Diorang kata lagi, ko dah confirm nak datang untuk interview session, tapi ko tak datang.  Memang nama ko jadi bualan kitorang la. Sensasi sekejap.  Aku rasa akak yang in-charge jaga kite tu la yang cerita kat budak2 tu.  Berapa ko kena bayar balik bulan-bulan?"

Huh?

Here goes -- I receive no calls, no emails, no nothing telling me that I got to attend an inteview session, and now they tell me this crap?  huh??  Bile sume org dapat interview, and I am the only one that's being left out -- that's weird.  Ok, aku mmg terlambat hantar all the documents, and even mintak abah wakil kan myself since I can't just leave my job here -- strategy namanye.  But then, the akak told that I missed the first batch of interview due to the insufficient documents from my side, and unfortunately my name is supposed to be listed in that batch, but , they'll notify my again on the coming interview session.  And nak dijadikan drama lagi, remember the part where I lost my phone?  I am phone-less...

But there's no way you people can use that as an excuse to tell me I betray because:-
(a)  abah give out his mobile phone number that is on 24-7 to the person in charge -- in case they can't reach me.
(b)  I included my email add
(c)  I included my home phone number
(d)  I included all the contact number of my penjamin2 - that would be my own siblings.
(e)  I even included their mailing address.

Again -- no calls, no mails, no emails, no nothing!  Maybe my only mistake is by not updating them my current phone number -- but why must I tell them my new number, their greatest rival in the telecommunication war.  I betrayed by changing my phone number to their rivals service (i have the right to choose my own phone number), but I didn't betray by running away. 

Tunggu je lah surat tuntutan bayar balik -- giler ahh!! Mana nak korek duit ni!!  Money money money money....~~~  Ni yang terasa nak expedite the idea to start out my own hybrid-concept shop ni~~

I was struggling to choose which perfect word to be put on the title section -- to show the mixed-up emotions I'm feeling right now.  The first thing that popped in my head would be "HAYWIRED" -- but then, I don't really know the exact meaning of that word.  Hay adelah jerami (er..?) and wire is a wire-lah.  So the direct translation is "jerami yang di-wayar-kan"..?  Huh..??  That makes no sense at all.

Later I was thinking of the word "berkecamuk" -- but then it sounds so pathetically depressed and sangat lah skema-rama-nyer.  "Bercampur-baur" comes next which makes me feel like I'm cooking something yucky and not even suitable for chewing. 

"Caca-marba" comes up together with the word "rojak" -- ok, ok -- i got to stop this TITLE paranoia and hell no -- people don't really care if the title is "wayar yang bersimpul-simpul" sekali pun.  Syesh~

Mixed-up language

Very rarely I update my blog 2 days in a row -- but then -- sukati aku lah.  Anyway, I remember watching the recently aired "Melodi" last sunday, and one topic that really got me glued to that show would be their debate on masalah bahasa yang bercampur-aduk kind of thing.  They are questioning about bahasa yang digunakan dalam lirik lagu yg bercampur aduk dgn bahasa lain.  (which more or less means it is caca marba macam blog aku). 

So, there they go interviewing pakar-pakar bahasa / sasterawan asking their opinion on this current trend.  And damn - I don't really understand what these people are trying to say with their so-called-proper-bahasa.  Sad but true, I can't understand 100% what this people is trying to tell.

With all do respect, I really appreciate my mother tounge language -- Bahasa Melayu -- But I don't really believe that we use proper Bahasa in our daily conversation, do we?  The penulis lirik is just trying to create something that can reach out their message to people like me -- saya yang tidak begitu fasih dengan mendalam mengenai bahasa yang dikatakan betul oleh mereka - and I believe I am not the only one.

However, I really respect the opinion from our very own sasterawan negara that sounds something like "penggunaan bahasa seperti itu ada kalanya perlu bagi membolehkan mesej disampaikan kepada pendengar muzik kerana gaya bahasa kita berubah dengan perubahan zaman.."  How true~  Though they say that people like me is perosak bahasa cause using all these mixed-up language in an entry, but then, I am typing in a manner that I most probaly going to use in my daily conversation (especially sejak dpt colleague budak grad German nih..eheh).

Controversial housemate

Ni lagi seketul.  Dia bawak husband dia tido rumah laaaa pulak...!!  Adoi, now it makes me feel like I'm running some kind of cheap rumah tumpangan.  And she still haven't paid the rental fees yet.  She promised that on 7th January, and I'm kind enough to let her hang around for another week. 

Skarang nih, aku pulak yang malu nak masuk rumah sendiri.  And Azmul endlessly accused me for being too kind.  Hallooo --- in the first place, sape yang gatal-gatal sgt suka melepak rumah aku until itu perempuan got the wrong idea and thinks that her husband can go in and out of the house sesuka hati?

If both of them is really married, get your own space laa!  Don't drag me into this unsensational feeling of being a stranger inside my own house.  Ok, my own rented house.  Dah tau tak dapat nak afford duduk rumah mcm ni, ade hati lagi nak bawak suami duduk sama-sama.  Apa barang...!

I even doubt about her job.  Last week, aku rasa macam setiap masa je dia menepek dekat rumah -- siap balik kampung sampai almost a week.  Keje ape bole datang and pegi sesuka hati macam tu?

I am a very fragile soul -- that's why it's hard for me to brush people away, or even to say NO to them.  It takes time for me to stand out to that person - and dearie Azmul, all I'm asking is a space on my own and time for me to be ready.  Don't force me, or u'll be in the next "MY HATE LIST".  Period!